Lately, I've been having some serious issues with my eldest sister J. A short synopsis of us: My mom died when I was four and dad was already too old (after 9 kids) to take care of a young child so my sister and her new husband decided to take care of me. They even actually adopted me legally but never changed my name. I grew up with them but never acknowledged them to be my parents, well... cause they werent. I think somehow I challenged them a lot in my teenage years and being not prepared or equipped to deal with a rebellious teenager, they lost a lot of feeling for me.
Throughout my life, my sister has had to bail me out of situations more than once. She has constantly been a source of financial help to me and still is. Right now she is helping me building my apartment. For this and everything else I am grateful. However, recently she's been losing sleep over my ability or willingness to repay her for all that she's done (that requires repayment, i.e. building loan). Dont get me wrong, I dont blame her! With my track record of "self-discovery" I cant say that I would trust me financially either. I have made some pretty bad financial decisions in my life.
Anyways, on to the real issue of this post. My sister has no kids and has been perpetually depressed ever since I can remember. She's never really placed any heavy interest on anything except poetry. Even that, she hides behind cause she writes and only expresses it online. She is a non-communicator... what is that?....you ask. Well, even though she writes her feelings quite well, she could never bring herself to say it to a person how she feels. Because of this she can be considered extremely shy. She is a great person and people who get to know her (or who she allows in) realise it in no time. She is wonderful. But she cant communicate and is not willing to learn how to. This has been a serious issue in her life and has caused her to become somewhat anti-social (IMO). She never really enjoys stuff unless someone "forces" it upon her.. for instance, she has no interest in going out unless you tell her that she has no choice or its for some occasion.
Why am I telling about my sister? Good question! The answer to that is, that I have realised that I a become just like her! Not with the issue of communication cause I believe I try my best to communicate openly. But where depression is concerned... my goodness, I think I'm my sister. I do not enjoy the things I used to anymore. I have no desire to do anything anymore... my nieces would call and suggest we go out to a movie and I would decline. I am sick all the time and my body hurts... and this I attribute to my mind!
Well, my dear Nicole... (talking to myself here)... lol.. I have decided today that I WILL NOT continue to allow myself to become J.. I may not be able yet to do some of the things I think I would like to do .... like maybe join a dance class or a gym.. or travel more.. obviously because of lack of money.. but I have begun writing down everything I think I can change in myself to become a better me. And I have begun to make some serious decisions about a "career"... the path that my life will take for the rest of my life! I really dont want to be the person who forever fights to be happy, the person who worries about money and living... the person who is unfriendly and sad.. I want to be me again... HAPPY, FRIENDLY, LOVING... CAREFREE (to a point).. INTELLIGENT... INTERESTING! That was me! and that's who I am gonna be again!
Throughout my life, my sister has had to bail me out of situations more than once. She has constantly been a source of financial help to me and still is. Right now she is helping me building my apartment. For this and everything else I am grateful. However, recently she's been losing sleep over my ability or willingness to repay her for all that she's done (that requires repayment, i.e. building loan). Dont get me wrong, I dont blame her! With my track record of "self-discovery" I cant say that I would trust me financially either. I have made some pretty bad financial decisions in my life.
Anyways, on to the real issue of this post. My sister has no kids and has been perpetually depressed ever since I can remember. She's never really placed any heavy interest on anything except poetry. Even that, she hides behind cause she writes and only expresses it online. She is a non-communicator... what is that?....you ask. Well, even though she writes her feelings quite well, she could never bring herself to say it to a person how she feels. Because of this she can be considered extremely shy. She is a great person and people who get to know her (or who she allows in) realise it in no time. She is wonderful. But she cant communicate and is not willing to learn how to. This has been a serious issue in her life and has caused her to become somewhat anti-social (IMO). She never really enjoys stuff unless someone "forces" it upon her.. for instance, she has no interest in going out unless you tell her that she has no choice or its for some occasion.
Why am I telling about my sister? Good question! The answer to that is, that I have realised that I a become just like her! Not with the issue of communication cause I believe I try my best to communicate openly. But where depression is concerned... my goodness, I think I'm my sister. I do not enjoy the things I used to anymore. I have no desire to do anything anymore... my nieces would call and suggest we go out to a movie and I would decline. I am sick all the time and my body hurts... and this I attribute to my mind!
Well, my dear Nicole... (talking to myself here)... lol.. I have decided today that I WILL NOT continue to allow myself to become J.. I may not be able yet to do some of the things I think I would like to do .... like maybe join a dance class or a gym.. or travel more.. obviously because of lack of money.. but I have begun writing down everything I think I can change in myself to become a better me. And I have begun to make some serious decisions about a "career"... the path that my life will take for the rest of my life! I really dont want to be the person who forever fights to be happy, the person who worries about money and living... the person who is unfriendly and sad.. I want to be me again... HAPPY, FRIENDLY, LOVING... CAREFREE (to a point).. INTELLIGENT... INTERESTING! That was me! and that's who I am gonna be again!
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